poi

poi
fire dancer

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Diss. Continued

By Mike Matthews
By now you understand that one, this one, rants because he has a complaint to make. He cannot find the appropriate person to complain to, and even if he did find that person, he might not get the satisfaction he needs.  To be honest, he needs to hear his voice out there shrieking, whether or not he gets justice, recompense for injury, satisfaction. He likes to hear himself yelp.

This yelp is about discontinued items, and perhaps you will savour this rant because it will remind you that you too have suffered when some product or service becomes unavailable, denied to you for no other reason than that disregard for the individual  that we find in every last freaking corner of this vast arena full of accidental and inspired mudballs that we call our universe.
Burns chili. When I arrived in this crockamurphy town I commended the supermarket, which shall be nameless, because though I have many complaints about its ownership and practices, I esteem it, I like it. I buy most of my grub there. I commended these folks for having Burns chili con carne on their shelves. I even wrote a letter to the newspaper expressing my approval. (You see that ranting is not my only weapon in the arena of civility that we all toggle and struggle in).  What do you think happened one week after my letter, copied to the supermarket, appeared in the newspaper? The supermarket shelves were utterly free and clear of Burns chili, that’s what.
I don’t know why they discontinued the product. Maybe Burns stopped making the stuff, or stopped supplying it in B.C. Burns, after all, is or was resident in the ghastly kingdom of Alberta, where so much of the evil in Canadian life originates…but let’s not go down that road. Not in this rant. Point is, the product, a product that I particularly desired, was discontinued.
That was only the first of several outrages. Next came the garlic juice. 
Garlic juice. Yes. Is there such a thing? Yes, probably there is, somewhere, but not here, because they discontinued it. Exed it, sent it away. You are wondering what on earth it is, or was, and why I care. Well, it was a lovely little grocery item, garlic juice in a small bottle, handier and more versatile than any other sort of prepared garlic. However, the grocery people are too blind, ignorant and clueless to pay attention to their stock, their products, just as the manufacturers are too blind, ignorant and clueless to push and promote their wares, so off it went to markets in Brazil or Czechoslovakia.
Plantain is available at several of our local food stores, but is always in danger of discontinuation. If they think that too few of us hail from Nicaragua or Costa Rica, they will discontinue plantain. They are itching to do it. Already they have made it a discontinuous item in the produce department, not always available, or present there next to the bananas, but too green to be used. They want to be rid of it.
The Hudson’s Bay got rid of Ageless, a lovely cologne that leaves an old briar rose person smelling like a tender young grapefruit. That’s the Hudson’s Bay in Nanaimo, sent the scent back because “it wasn’t selling here.” It was all I could do to keep from vaulting over the perfume counter and throttling her. I had to make do with vividly imagining doing that.
Hey! Here’s yet another one, discovered just today. Carpet shampoo. Can’t find it in either major supermarket in my neighbourhood, despite hundreds of yards of soaps and cleaners of every sort, some green, some deadly gassy, some lilac-scented. Did someone ask “carpet shampoo?” with eyebrows lifted. Well, sure, for heaven’s sake, it’s been a staple of modern housecleaning. Usually you squirt it on the dirty patches of your wall-to-wall, then vacuum it up a few minutes later. The remaining dampness evaporates, leaving you with cleaner carpet. So it seems we are no longer interested in cleaning our wall-to-wall. I suppose we are replacing it with wood flooring. Yeah, when the money comes through. 
You probably think I am nuts. Well, I think you are not noticing how often something that you took for granted, an everyday kind of food item, a helpful domestic product, a tool, a particular style or brand of garment, maybe, something not important in your life but something you have taken for granted would be there when you need it, is suddenly gone. Out of stock, not available, just missing.  Discontinued.
This little ranter thinks that the filthy people who decide to discontinue things should be captured and put to death. This mild-mannered little would-be murderer understands that that is not possible. Hence, he rants.
By Mike Matthews